Decisions

to drug or not to drug? Haha that sounds crazy. Anyway. I really don't like taking drugs, we all know anyone can become addicted. And I can't say I love the way I feel when I take them. But it is soooo nice to have relief from the pain. I have many to chose from. There's the heavy duty anti-inflammatory for the back pain. There's the T3's, for the tension headaches that make me dizzy when they get really bad. And then there's the oxycocet, or percocet. Heavy duty narcotic. It's the only thing that works to reduce the pain of the canker sores, because I get exposed nerves when they get deep. Which I have about 4 deep ones right now, in addition to a few smaller ones. After a few days of being terribly cranky and not being able to eat much, I took one this evening after the kids were in bed. That's the other thing. I won't take them unless DH is home, and the percocet I won't take unless the kids are in bed, or I take myself off to another room. I just get really spacey. OK, stoned. Weird, me, who never did drugs as a teenager is sitting here stoned. And I'm still up, because ironically the drugs that take away the pain also don't allow me to sleep. I drift in and out all night, but am mainly conscious. I know with the T3's it's the caffeine in the prescription that does it, I don't know if there's any in the percocet.

I've also been REALLY emotional the last few days. DH has been great for the most part. Sometimes he just doesn't know what to say or do, because I know this is really hard for him to.

It's funny, cause I realized I really haven't even thought "why me?" I think that's because I don't think anyone should have to go through this, better me than someone else, and there is always a reason for EVERYTHING that happens, so that's not even an issue.

And it's not the fact that I could die if I have Behcet's Disease. Cause I can. It sometimes causes Meningitis or Encephalitis. Sometimes it causes blood clots and aneurysms. Or lung embolisms. But seriously, I could just as easily step off a curb and be hit by a bus. We're all gonna die at some point, and when my time is up, it's up.

It's the fact that right now my quality of life sucks. Ok, it could be worse. Everything could always be worse. But this is my blog, and I need to gripe. Lately I've been so dizzy I can't carry my daughter down the stairs. I tip over easily. I've had to do a lot of laying on the couch watching the kids play, not actually able to play with them. I seriously don't have the energy to take them for walks or outside. I get very easily fatigued. Most of the time my back is very sore, and it limits me. I have anti-inflammatories for it, but I'm only allowed to take one every couple of days because they have terrible long term side effects. Then there's the canker sores. OI. The last couple of days have been terrible, to the point I've barely been able to eat. When anything to do with my head or my neck hurts I get yucky emotional. I really don't mean to, but I find myself snapping, or crying at the drop of a hat. Luckily, the past week hasn't been too bad on my stomach.

Now I'm going to try to sleep, 'cause my new bed is being delivered tomorrow, and the kids and I have friends coming over.