Holed up in my own little world

That's where I've needed to be for the last two months. Absorbing, processing and just trying to get through day to day life. Two months ago I found out I have arthritis. I also found out that it is not likely that my family doctor is wrong. I have been angry, sad, apathetic, frustrated, ready to fight, and just plain tired. My mood swings rival that of a raging pregnant woman. My best friend says I'm grieving the old me. As she puts it, the moment I left the doctor's office, I was no longer the person I had been. I was no longer Kristi with a sore back and IBS, I was all of a sudden Kristi with arthritis and either Chrone's disease or Behcet's disease. I am now not allowed to do some of the things that I was looking forward to starting. I had made a pledge to myself to get into better shape, so that I am better able to play with the kids, and because I just plain like myself better when I'm in good shape. I had wanted to start kickboxing, step class, and maybe find an evening Volleyball league when I was in better shape. Those three things are probably stuff I shouldn't do anymore. No high impact sports for this girl anymore. Those were also three of my favourite athletic activities. Now I have to find new ones.

I decided to allow myself a few months to process and grieve. To be angry and frustrated and feel self pity. I decided I owed myself that, but that I wouldn't let it go on, and that I would start fighting back when I felt I was ready. I think because I recognized that need within myself, things haven't been as bad as they could've been. Sure, I've had some pretty crappy days, but who doesn't?

I still have all the same symptoms I did before. The big difference for me is that before I always thought they would go away, and that they didn't mean anything. Now I know that my symptoms are not going away, they are part of a bigger picture. So now I have days when I get down that I may always have headaches, and that there is no cure for the pain I feel.

On the upside, I also have been doing research on the best exercises for arthritis, and am gearing up to start. I started using the gym here, but had to stop because of pain (needed new shoes with better shock absorption) and because DH was working non stop, so no one to watch the kids. His work will be slowing down in the next month or so, so I'll be able to use the gym more.

I went for my MRI already, but the other tests are on hold. The only appointment they had was the day of T's first Christmas Concert, and they're performing, so I didn't want to miss that. So I wait until the end of January.


In other news, T's birthday was a great success. I had been going to bake a Fire Engine cake, but with everything going on, I copped out and bought a cake pan in the shape of McQueen, and he loved it. It was a bit of a chore to decorate, but nothing like the fire engine would have been to build and decorate. The best gift he got was his Lego. He loves it. He will play with it literally for hours by himself. Sometimes he wants a playmate, but it's so great to watch him create!

The last two months have flown and dragged by. We've been so crazy busy, but at the same time I have been so dog tired that some days pass without us doing anything. I've come to understand that it's just my body's way of trying to balance everything out. If we go go go too much, I get really fatigued and feverish, and I have to nap when K naps. Or I get a killer headache and have to nap. Either way, my body forces me to relax. And I'm trying my hardest to listen to it.