Burned Out

I forgot to ever mention the beautiful baby shower my sister threw for DD and myself, and all of the loverly pressies I received. It's nice to be thought of and pampered. I believe it slipped my mind because of the turmoil our life has been in lately.

I realized tonight that the overwhelming feelings I've been dealing with are those of being burnt out. Being the go to gal in our nuclear family. Trying to support DH and his sis through their grief, and the dissolution of DSil's marriage. And dealing with our financial worries. Oh, and did I mention one child likes to fall asleep at about 2am and the other likes to get up for the day at 6am?????

Ya, a little sleep would go a real long way right about now! Then the whole world would look a little brighter, and easier to deal with. Coffee isn't cutting it, just giving me a stomach ache. Baby is sooooo not on a schedule, she refuses still. Her big bro was a total schedule baby, so it's really throwing me for a loop! She has no rhyme or reason to when she eats or sleeps. Though most nights she has a nap from about 10:30 to 11:30 and then is awake until about 1:30 or so. That's her nightly routine. I guess she figures I can sleep when I'm dead. I may be soon if this keeps up, LOL.

And in other news, DH REALLY wants to move. I don't blame him. He's taking upwards of 2 hrs to get home from work these days, and he's just BURNT. He leaves at about 5 and gets home about 5:30, and he usually only works an 8 hr day! It's nuts, and he wants to cut down the commute so he can get more sleep and spend more time with the kids. He wants to sell and rent closer to his work. He figures we can get ourselves COMPLETELY out of debt, and walk away with about 14000, and even renting, put at least 500 away in the bank every month. In addition, he's talking about us buying a rental property, so that we're still building equity. See, we can't afford anything close to where he works that we could fit in, so there's no way we could purchase anything close - that's why we live where we do. But we certainly could afford a 1 or 2 bedroom condo that we could rent out. I actually think it could work, except that I hate white walls, and in most rentals you're not allowed to paint. I dearly love my "drumbeat" (deep red/marroon) bedroom walls.

That, and we'd have to leave behind the Winnie the Pooh mural in DS's (soon to be DS/DD's) bedroom. Though DH did offer to rip the drywall down to take it with us. Cute dear. Sadly, DS told me today that it was time to change his room, and take the animals off the wall. He said "mommy the walls need to be blue". Broke my heart it did. It took me a full week to paint that mural when I was pregnant. I finished two days before he was born. I guess he's growing up now. And he really doesn't have an appreciation for who Winnie the Pooh is. Not really. I'll have to figure out how to get some pics of it on here.

Pearls of Wisdom

On Sunday I had one of the hardest conversations I've ever had with DH's Grandmother, Pearl. She wanted to talk about dying, and how to go. She'd been in liver failure for over two months, and she didn't want to be in the hospital, nor live the way she was living. She was on a million pills, tubes, procedures, and she just wanted it to end. She was glad she had been here to meet my DD, and thanked me for bringing her to the hospital for visits, and that she had been able to hold her. She told me she thought I was the only one who would understand that she wanted to die. We talked for a good half hour, both of us laughing and crying. I told her that I loved her, and that everyone in the family would greatly miss her, but that if she didn't want to be here anymore, we couldn't make her stay, and that if she was suffering, it was no way to live. She basically asked me for permission to die, and I gave it to her. I think she just needed someone to tell her it was okay to go. I told her I didn't want her to, but that I understood, that I wouldn't want to live the way she was either. After all the emotional stuff was over, she told me she just didn't want it to take very long - and that she was pissed off that she wouldn't be here for the 2010 Olympics!
We said goodbye, and I told her I loved her.

That will be my final memory of her. They told us yesterday that she had about 24 - 48 hours. DH and his family all got to say goodbye, and she passed at 9:30 this morning. Thank God it was quick.

She will be greatly missed, and I am very sad that DD will not have memories of her, but I am very glad she is no longer suffering.

Love you Grandma

I'm not ready . . . and I don't want to talk about it

But I do need to. So I'm writing it all out. But I'm not ready in real life to talk about it, cause I have to stay strong for DH. How is it in my family that as one enters, one leaves?

Four years ago this summer, shortly after I got married, both of my grandmothers became seriously ill. One passed away on the 28th of November, one on the 1st of December, 2002. They had been great friends, and they left the world together. Shortly after, my cousin and I both found out we were pregnant. My paternal grandmother had been like a grandmother to her to.

Now, I find myself in the same situation. DH's grandmother, who filled a void in my heart that my grandmothers had left, has become seriously ill. They're not sure she'll make it. Her liver is failing, and she's in the hospital. We've been visiting her this weekend, and she's weaker than I've ever seen her. I'm having a real hard time with this. She's taken me into her heart like I'd always been her granddaughter. I love her like I always have been. She cried the other day when she held my new daughter, and it almost broke my heart that my DD may never get to know her great-grandma.

I can't do this . . .