FEAR

Big Sigh. Other than the other day when I didn't feel the baby move, I don't think I have ever felt fear the way I did this morning. And the other day with the baby, I had a sense that everything was okay, even though I was scared. Today, well. Whole new level of fear.

It started with a message on my answering machine from my parent's neighbours. We were out of town until 10pm last night, and the message was from friday afternoon "Everything is okay, but please call us as soon as possible." Now, my parents were supposed to be down at their place as of Thursday morning, so I figured something minor had happened with the house.

So after I got up this morning, I called the neighbours back to see what's going on. He tells me that everything is fine, but that friday afternoon the police were at mom & dad's, and the officers told him that TWO 911 calls had originated from INSIDE the house. Usually, they would break the door down if no one inside responded, but because mom & dad's neighbour told the police mom & dad were out of town, the police decided not to.

So I decide to call "the Ranch" where mom & dad are to double check that they are okay, because I'm a tiny bit worried, and we are supposed to go down and visit with them for the day. The security woman at the ranch tells me that their computers track when the members come in and out, by their membership cards that they scan. She goes to check the computer and comes back to tell me that mom and dad have not arrived at the ranch this weekend. UM, ARE YOU SURE. She tells me she's positive, because the computer would know. I say thanks, and hang up. I start to freak out a little, call mom & dad's and their phone flips over to voicemail right away, meaning it's off the hook. I update DH, and can see by his face that he's as worried as I am.

At this point, their phone is off the hook, they're not at the ranch where they're supposed to be, and I have no idea if something terrible has happened to them in their home, considering the two 911 calls. I call the ranch back, and ask again. The woman says she's positive that they have no record of mom & dad entering the ranch for this weekend. I then said to her that I need them to drive down to my parents place and check for me. She sounded a little confused, even though I thought I explained it to her before. At this point, I say "look, the thing is is that if they aren't at the ranch, chances are they are dead in their home, and I really need to know if they are there." Okay, that was really what I was thinking. I was freaked. So she told me she would send someone to their place, and I should hear back in about 10 minutes or so.

In the meantime, I call the police in my parent's area to find out all I can about the 911 calls. They were from inside the house, and no one was on the other end. After I explained the situation, the officer said the outside of the house was undisturbed, but that if I couldn't get in touch with mom & dad, to call back, and he'd have someone break down the door.

Over half an hour later, I still haven't heard back, and I'm pacing the floor. It was only supposed to take ten minutes. I'm starting to get even more uneasy. I finally decide to call the ranch, and the security tells me mom & dad ARE actually there, and are fine, but have forgotten my phone number BECAUSE THEY HAVE ME ON SPEED DIAL AT HOME. LOOOOOOSERS. I cried so hard when I hung up. I was sooo relieved. DH held me forever, and told me he couldn't imagine what kind of fear I had felt. I don't think I've ever been so glad to see my mom as I was when I arrived at the ranch.

Oh, and mom & dad got a stern talking to from us and their good friends about knowing our phone number and address, and my sisters.

And as a little payback, when mom first got the message that they "urgently" needed to call us, mom was alone, and panicked that I had gone into labour 6 weeks early. That only lasted 5 minutes till she got the entire message, that something had happened at the house.

Tired, but better

tired, oh so tired today. Though the not sleeping last night was due to the heat and having to pee three times because of all the water I'd drank to combat the heat. On average, I have a really good sleep one night, then the next I'm awake most of it. Hey, that's way better than 3 hours a night every night.

We've been sooooo busy. Had a little scare on thursday. I didn't feel the baby move for over 6 hours, and ended up at the hospital on a fetal monitor for the evening. Everything is fine, doctor and nurses said that at this stage (33 weeks) baby can have a sluggish day while growing, but if it ever happens again, to come in sooner than I did. I waited because I was being stupid, I thought I was over-reacting. If it had been any of my friends, I would have personally dragged them to the hospital. Anyhew, everything is fine.

Friday I took TJ and nephew Kaiser to the Aldergrove Zoo. They had a great time, and both were surprisingly well behaved, it was great. I didn't have to talk to them once about behaviour, it was heaven. They were agreeable, and soooo much fun. I loved seeing the looks on their faces when we saw the tigers and lions being fed. Though I don't think anything impressed them more than the huge digger they saw drive by them 3 feet away (it was working in the zoo, so driving like 10 km an hour, they were in heaven).

Saturday was my parent's 40th anniversary. It was a good party by all accounts, I suppose. I was so busy for the first couple of hours running around, constantly refilling the food trays, the ice bucket, etc, that I didn't sit down for probably a good 4 hours. And I swear to god, if one more person had told me how huge I was, or asked in shock if I REALLY had 7 weeks left, I was going to hit someone. After about the first 3 hours, I actually had the nerve to tell one of my mom's friends that it was just so long since they all had been pregnant, that they forgot what a pregnant person is supposed to look like.
I hardly saw DH, he was looking after the childrens, keeping them in check (DSis was washing dishes everytime I looked, and DBil was BBQing).
All in all, everyone had a good time, particularly mom & dad, which is all that really mattered, so it was a success.
Sunday was a low-key mother's day, stayed at DSil's, and she and I stayed up till the wee hours like we used to and chatted (we're good friends, but have kind of lost touch since we moved and she went back to work). It was good. Except that their (DSil and DH's) grandfather is very ill, and she doesn't think he's got much time left.
Monday, I took my (DH's) niece out of school (bad girl, I hardly ever get to see her, they live 1 1/2 hrs away) and took her and DS to the aquarium. They were sooooo good, and we had such a great time.
And this is another busy weekend coming up.

It's not all bad

So I had a very long, good apt. with my doctor yesterday. He was really understanding, and took the time to really talk to me about the whole labour/delivery/ not having my own doctor worries. He also listened to the ten million complaints that I had (very patiently) and checked me out thoroughly. Turns out I still have bronchitis, and tracheitis, and now have a sinus infection. So I'm back on antibiotics. Little bit suprised, I have to say.

On the other hand, he used a pen to mark my belly, and measured me three times. I'm 31 weeks, and measured 31 weeks. He then sat down and charted my growth, and last measurement was just an anomily. He figures I was bloated or something. He also really felt the baby, and said it's not a big one, and then showed me how to find the head. Shockingly, this one is in the absolute PERFECT position at the moment. Not like TJ. He was head up. Things can change, I still do have 8+ weeks left. However, I'm optomistic.

Even with emotions under check (for the main part), some of my fears put to rest, and my anxiety down I STILL DIDNT SLEEP LAST NIGHT. It took until sometime after 1:30 to fall asleep, then I woke up at 3:50 and was awake until 5:30. Thank God T slept till 9, but can you say EXHAUSTED?

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I went to a hen party last night, and we were talking about our kids of course. One of my friends was saying her little guy (who's exactly 3 months older than T) can put together 1000 piece puzzles. I know lots of people probably don't believe her, and I didn't get a chance to tell her, but I certainly do. He's only a month and a half shy of 3, and apparently my dad could put together those, and larger puzzles when he was that age, so maybe the Gman will be a mathematician like dear old dad.

I'm doing better today

kind of. I am certainly a little nicer. I still didn't sleep last night, because I couldn't get comfortable. But after crying for three hours last night and talking everything over with DH, emotionally I feel better. I'm still anxious about a few things, but a little more relaxed too.

I'm angry at my doctor. I completely understand his reasoning, but I'm angry. And totally anxiety ridden. He and his colleagues have decided not to neccessarily deliver their own patients as of June 1. I'm due July 5. I have a 1 in 6 chance of having him at the birth. 1 of the only 3 Obstetricians in town has decided to stop delivering. 5 more family doctors have also decided to stop delivering. Add all of these patients to my doctor's caseload, and he'd probably be at the hospital every night. He's got a wife and kids, and a full time practice. In his own practice, he has 80 pregnant patients. So he and 5 other doctors have decided that they're going to schedule a day a week to be the doctor at the hospital for deliveries. He's in a practice of 3 doctors, one of whom I really don't like, and would REALLY prefer is not at the birth of my child. I also have a 1 in 6 chance of having this doctor at my delivery.

Add this to the fact that I am TERRIFIED of actually giving birth. The only thing that was easing my mind was that MY doctor was going to be there, since I trust him with my life. And I trust him with my child's life. And now there's a good chance it will be someone I don't know.

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I went for a walk today with T, a little too much I think. Currently the room is spinning - I think I must go and lay down.

This is so hard

I feel like I don't even want to have this baby anymore. I really want to be done being pregnant. I hurt all the time, my stomach is so uncomfortable, and I feel like I am gasping for air. I'm cranky all the time from lack of sleep and pain, and poor T gets the brunt of it, and a mommy that has a hard time playing with him. I'm so scared that I'm going to resent this child for making me so ill, for feeling so crappy. I can't sleep, I have a hard time moving around, and a lot of days it hurts to sit for too long. I am so angry that I haven't had the chance to enjoy this pregnancy and look forward to the baby. I am so sad that that has been taken away from me. I want a do-over. And God, do I want to sleep. For like three days straight.

I NEED SLEEP

Or somebody is going to get hurt. That's all I have to say.